IF YOU ARE THINKING ABOUT SUICIDE, PLEASE CALL 800-273-8255. HELP IS AVAILABLE.
I should warn you right up front: this is not a standard My Exquisite Florida post. This is not a story about an exceptional adventure. It is a story about an effort to lay down a burden of unbearable grief and a simple ritual that may help. This particular ritual took place at Horseshoe Park and Fairy Trail in Cassadaga. Cassadaga is home to many spiritualists and mediums, and while you may not appreciate the “woo” factor or believe in anything other than the physical world, it is a beautiful place and the people who live and work there are kind and open — even to those who are skeptical.
You may know that my husband’s best friend, Kevin, died of suicide several years ago. Kevin visited us shortly before his death, and Steve and I both knew he was in big trouble. Neither of us knew enough to talk to him about our fears, and instead of keeping him with us where we thought we might be able to keep him safe, we let him go home. We never saw him again, and several days later his ex-wife called to tell Steve that Kevin had shot himself.
When I tell you that Steve is a survivor of suicide, I do not mean that Steve attempted suicide and failed. I mean that the impact of Kevin’s death was so profound that Steve’s life was disrupted and the distress he has experienced has had an effect on his health, physically and mentally. Although Kevin’s death was nearly six years ago, Steve is just now making meaningful progress in moving forward from the grief and guilt that he has carried.
Yesterday, we visited the Fairy Trail at Cassadaga. I found this place a few months ago and have been back several times to enjoy wandering the trail and experiencing the pleasant town of Cassadaga. There are offerings and messages left all over the Trail, and there is a power in this place: a sense of peace and hope and certain knowledge that whatever “it” is, it is going to be okay. I had hoped, when I first realized that the cigarette tucked in a kiosk was an offering left in memory of a loved one, that Steve might find some comfort in this garden. I made the suggestion and Steve did not seem terribly interested. BUT a couple of weeks ago I made the suggestion again, and Steve agreed that he would find a memento and try to begin saying “goodbye” to Kevin in a healthy way.
I know that he did not experience the Fairy Trail in the same way I did, and I know there will likely be no magic moment of “poof” where he will suddenly feel the weight lifted from his shoulders. But I also know that he is not immune to the workings of the Universe, and that his willingness to visit signals readiness to move forward. Steve left the letter he earned in Junior High track perched on a young magnolia tree, and I know that whatever is left of Kevin in this world smiled. Simple, simple, simple. . .as the best rituals are. Someday in the next week or so someone will look at this simple letter and be touched, and I hope Steve feels it happen.
Steve has started his journey back to wholeness. The Universe has his back every step of the way. So will I.